I Got the Hook Up
Reviewed by Dana Duffield
Rating: 9.5 Beans
ow unusual and rare...a rapper with an ego problem.
Up-and-coming rap star Master P actually put out a movie before this one, called "MP Da Last Don". There it was in Blockbuster, on the New Releases wall. A rush of memory came over me as I noticed the video box; a memory of big-butted women, of tasteless horrible jokes, of lots and lots of cell phones. I had to go sit down.
Because I'd been reminded of what is easily the worst movie I've seen this summer.
Master P plays Black, the owner of a run-down flea market in the middle of South Central. Enter two girls with a TV set in a shopping cart. They have big butts and screechy voices and they want to sleep with Black. Everyone wants to sleep with Black. He demeans them for a while and breaks the TV set or something. Then he taunts a mentally retarded guy and knocks over his wheelchair. Ha ha.
Then some lost deliveryman signs over a big box of cell phones to Black, nobody really knows why. I guess it's so Black can look really cool strutting around the neighborhood selling cell phones to everyone. He's cool. He's rich. Soon even more people want to sleep with Black, especially his sexy girlfriend who works for the cell phone company, wearing miniskirts. She rigs up the stolen phones so they work. Then she changes her clothes and wiggles her butt, which isn't as big as the other girls' but it's still big enough. Then Black makes fun of Hispanics and Italians. Ha ha.
Then a gang gets involved and there's some shooting. And it turns out the old man who runs the hardware store has a strip club in the back. All the girls at the strip club love Black, and they have HUMONGOUS...butts. Then, for some reason, he goes back to the flea market. End of movie.
I'm not kidding. That's the plot. That's the plot of a mainstream summer movie that was released by an actual studio to a Theater Near You. How much money does this guy have that he can bribe people to make this sort of modern-day "urban comedy" blaxploitation, and make it so badly? Did I mention he directed and wrote the script too? I've said it before and I'll say it again: What is this crap?
The best kind of crap: the genre film that takes itself a little too seriously. I guess that's what the music biz does to you. It will no doubt come out on video soon, right next to "MP Da Last Don". And I will get a bunch of my friends together and we'll rent it and gleefully hate it all over again. In the meantime, I'm going to go do my Buns of Steel tape.
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