Quest of the Delta Knights
Reviewed by Mike Brannon
Rating: 5 Beans
ell met milord! I'd fain thee have a chair whilst I regale ye with the horrors of "Quest of The Delta Knights!"
David Warner should have known better. What with his dashing British Accent and resolute granite chin, surely he could find more dignified fare than this little celluloid enema.
We start with the half pint bandage-sporting blondie "T" (or is it "Tee Hee" or "Tea, the Earl of Grey" as April called him) who is orphaned in a pointless little medieval battle, and now is beginning an enterprising new career as a slave. So David Warner shows up, as David Warner in a burlap robe and a detachable ZZ-Top beard, and buys him for a copper. You see, he knows this boy is instrumental to saving the world, but he still will haggle and get rock bottom price for the Hanson Alumnus. So Tee goes home with spinach chin, who is named Baydool. The shifty slave trader shows up and tries to kidnap "Nes" Tea. But David Warner foils him and wards him off by throwing a pot of his own urine at him. I know that countless British actors draw upon that scene when preparing for important movie roles. I can just see Anthony Hopkins referring to the famous "Piss Slinging Shot" in Quest of the Delta Knights.
Then, we see a RIVETTING documentary on their begging expertise. Tune in if you want to be wowed by T's awesome dancing skills (which resemble someone at an Oktoberfest who is 20th in line for the john). But alas, gentle reader, you will not get a chance to see David Warner gettin "down and funky." That's another movie.
But you DO get to see him in a strange double role, as Lord Volchare, who kind of looks like that effeminate snake-obsessed high priest in "Cave Dwellers." Volchare is sooo menacing what with his feathery shoulderpads and his pseudo-viking helmet. At least he keeps his moustache somewhat groomed. Lord Volchare is a flunky working for Olivia Hussey for some reason. And she is The Mannerjay. Obviously to be a Mannerjay you must talk with a lispy, clipped accent and wear a push-up corset. Oh, and it helps to have inane, anachronistic dialogue. Let me give you an example of the Mannerjay's sparkling repartee: "Don't just stah-nd there, beating your gums! Ah cahn't have SPIES hiding under every rock, Volchare, I just cahn't have it!" But it's not too bad, because after five minutes, she disappears into thin air for the rest of the film. I guess she had more pressing engagements like filming "Psycho IV".
So Baydool reveals that he is a Delta Knight. No, this isn't some kind of airline nobleman, it's a society of clandestine warriors who... well.... ok, I don't know. In fact, this movie never tells you. But they seem to have something to do with Archimedes, the famous greek inventor (yes, to my endless chagrin they did put in a "EUREKA!" line for him). So Archimedies has a workshop (that looks a lot like a leftover set from Red Sonja) that both the Delta Knights and Volchare are looking for because it contains something so horrible it could destroy humanity. No, it isn't the screenplay. It's a crystal power source of some kind.
So then our epic adventure tale takes a sharp turn to prime time sitcom when we meet Wamthool, who is Richard Kind who is playing....well, Richard Kind. Baydool and Tee show up in "Magi" disguises (and they really should have a diction session before shoots... or at least agree on how they are going to pronounce MAGI. Come on guys, May-GI, or Mag-Eye. Get thine act together.) to steal the map from Paul Lassiter, er... I mean Wamthool. This bit of larcency lands Baydool in the dungeon.
David Warner probably has the unique cinematic distinction of killing himself through another character: Baydool is killed by Volchare while trying to escape the dungeon, leaving Ice-T, er I mean, Tee to fend for himself, now that he is Baydool-less. So he does what most 10 year old Delta Knight orphans would do at such a time... he goes over to the tavern to chill out. There he meets 'Thena, a serving girl who smiles and offers him food, drink or "anything else." Now, since this is a 6th grader, I would REALLY hope "anything else" would mean help with his homework. Also in the tavern is Leonardo Da Vinci, but as a young, mincing man who obviously got the famous reputation of intelligence far, far after this period. "Herbal" Tee saves Leo from being flattened by a Bluto-look-alike, and the two decide to team up for the rest of the movie. 'Thena comes along too because she has nice cleavage.
So it becomes a race to who can find Archimedes' Workshop. Along the way, the film turns VERY surreal when Teabag, Leonardo and 'Thena get captured by these scruffy tree people who have a thing about reporting their transit status... ie, they always say "I'M CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHMEEENG!!!" when they swing from tree to tree. In fact, when "Lipton Iced" Tee and Leo try to escape, we hear this nauseating cry no less than SIX times within 2 minutes. At times like these, the tranquil void of death seems like an escape. That one scene merits six Beans. It was "TORCHAR"!!
Then it turns out, 'Thena is a PRINCESS! Wow. It MUST be so because she show up in a new dress, and a tiara, and that guy who looks like the bass guitarist for Spinal Tap says so. What more proof do you need? Oh, and it's Athena now. Royalty bestows that missing "A" on her moniker.
About this time, you are assuming that the movie is about to end. Well, no.... there's more. "Bigelow" Tee and Leo find the workshop, and so does Volchare. But evidentally, it was his off-hours for being a diabolical villian, and he just lets them go. Then in a tour-de-force of acting, David Warner gets electrocuted... spasms? No. Jerking? No. He just gets a stupefied look on his face and dies. No screaming or anything. That would require acting. Maybe it was 5 o'clock on a Friday and his heart just wasn't in it.
So "Green" Tee and Leo escape, and blow up the workshop because Tee, calling upon the vast wisdom of his ten years, has deemed mankind could use these science advancements for evil. After all, they could invent Zima and chia pets. So Athena re-appears as 'Thena in her busty serving wench outfit just to shoot an extra in the back with an arrow. No kiss for Leo because he's unconscious. "English Breakfast" Tee shot him with a sleep dart. Medieval friendly fire. Huzzah. Let's take off a Bean for that.
So if you just HAVE to see David Warner wearing fake facial hair, throwing his urine, and killing David Warner, this is the movie for you. But if this is the case, also rent out Red Sonja, Cave Dwellers and The Magic Sword. You owe it yourself.
(Co-Writing Credit: April Angell)
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