Reviewed by Arno Mikli
Rating: 8 Beans
erein is a recipe for Pyrates.
Take one plotline that looks as though it was thought up in a barroom after too many beers. The plotline should consist of two characters who meet in a disco and discover that every time they have sex they cause smoke and sometimes fire to appear. Chop off the ending to this plotline.
Blend in Kevin Bacon and his wife, Kyra Sedgwick, in these two key roles. If nothing else, it will attract the attention of players of the game "Six Degrees of Kevin bacon" and ensure that anyone appearing in it will get a Bacon Factor of 1.
Remove all nudity (apart from a few shots of Bacon's posteror) before adding these two, however. Substitute with such ideas as Bacon diving into Sedgwick's bed wearing a football helmet.
Throw in Kristin Dattilo (aka Kristin Dattilo-Hayward) and Bruce Payne (NOT aka Bruce Wayne) as their long-suffering shallow roommates with an odd habit of smashing musical instruments on stage.
Now mix in a large number of silly signs with such titles along the lines of "Ari has one beer" "then 2" "Then three".
Saute well with such romantic lines as "I love being being more with you than Frongs Mints, ESBN and IM's first two hours!" Be sure to ensure that such lines are muttered in such a low tone that four replays of that scene cannot quite determine what the exact line is.
Sprinkle this with a poor understanding of history. Take careful note Mr Bacon - Newton was not hit in the head by that famous apple in 1694. If that event did happen, which historians doubt, it would've occurred on or about 1664. Bruce Payne - please remember that Hitler never entered Art School, much less finished it. He tried to get in, but he was never accepted. Kyra - the Sun King was Louis XIV (though it is true that her answer of "Royal King Louis Louis" was meant to be a wrong answer). And take note , Mr Signwriter, E=mc2 is Einsteinian physics, not Newtonian physics.
Finally, smoke well with a generous helping of film clippings showing the 1871 Chicago fire.
Place the resulting substance on film for about 90 minutes. The result will be a product that is just like being in the smoke that permeates it: harsh on the senses (especially the eyes and ears), lacking in substance and giving the viewer a total loss of direction.
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