Reviewed by Ken M. Wilson
Rating: 6.5 Beans
oy oh boy, I now know why Kevin Smith opted to choose this film (while writing his film "Clerks") as being "the most intellectually devoid film on the rack." NAVY SEALS, the 1990 action flick starring pretty boy Charlie Sheen and fellow pretty boy Michael Biehn, is your typical let's-go-get-the-bad-guys-with-our-big-guns movie. Other recognizable names are Bill "Chet" Paxton and Joanne Whalley-Kilmer.
The story goes like this... while trying to rescue some Americans from stereotypical Middle Eastern terrorists, the Seals discover a butt-load of U.S. stinger missiles in their possession. Well, you know who has to ride, swim, and fly their way into enemy territory to recover and/or destroy these missiles, don't you? Hell yes, the Navy Seals.
The thing that makes this movie fully worthy of being emblazoned in "BM Night" history is not the explosions, it's not the weapons that the boys use, it's not even the all-star cast of every bit-part nameless actor you've ever seen in any other film... it's for one thing and one thing only: Charlie Sheen's dialogue. Sheen's character, Hawkins, is arguably the lamest outburst of his talents in the last decade. My personal favorite scene has our man Hawkins under terrorist attack in Beiruit. Popping up behind him, we see a local trying to get Sheen's attention via good old fashioned verbal communication. Chuckles whips out his gun, blows the fool away and then utters the line that completely turned my viewing of "Navy Seals" from pure hell to pure enjoyment: "It was a boring conversation anyway... guys, we're gonna have company!" Yes, my friends, they quoted "Star Wars" in the middle of combat. This and this alone brought me to the edge of my seat and had my fiddling for the remote control to rewind. Any movie that calls out to other films via film lines gets half a bean reduced, typically... but in this case, since it was in the middle of battle, Sheen's character invoking the spirit of the ultimate trilogy gets an extra half bean automatically.
Navy Seals is highly recommended as a "BM Night" action flick. With ample combat scenes, idiotic dialogue, and the ever-present hope for a plotline other than "get them missiles," the only thing missing was an intense and gratuitous sex scene -- and I had my hopes pinned on seeing Whalley-Kilmer in the buff. Damn.
Overall, I have to give this "intellectually devoid film on the rack" a total of 6.5 beans. Rent it and watch it with a group of your most testosterone-ladened pals, except root for the bad guys.
Fun thing to do during the film: every fifteen minutes, without fail, utter "oooh, Navy Seals."