If Lucy Fell
Reviewed by Jenny LeComte
Rating: 9.5 Beans
arah Jessica Parker has a lot to answer for. So does Calista Flockhart, for that matter. Before I was subjected to their pathetic portrayals of neurotic 30-something women who scoff Homer Hudson at 3am then moan about the calorie count; whinge because they canít find any decent men then drive guys away by being complete prats, I felt pretty damn good.
But wait. Thatís bad. Iím 29 and, according to todayís popular culture, Iím not SUPPOSED to feel good. Iím supposed to feel depressed. Iím supposed to feel past it. Iím supposed to feel suicidal, god damnit!
Just last week, a friend told me to watch ďAlly McBealĒ because ďyouíre a 30-something, Jen, and itís soooo apt.Ē Likewise, when I saw ďIf Lucy FellĒ in the vid shop, I thought Iíd identify
with the characters. Like Lucy (Sarah Jessica Parker), Iíll be 30 soon. Iíve also got a platonic male friend from my college days who turns 30 straight after me.
We donít flat together like Lucy and Joe (Eric Schaeffer), but weíre both unmarried professionals who live in the city and donít have any kids. Like Joe, my friend once had an unrequitted crush on a girl who looked like a model. As for Lucyís boorish
ex-boyfriend Dick, Iíve dated some blokes who would make him look like a sensitive new age guy. But thatís where the similarity ends.
Lucy and Joe make suicide pacts. My friend and I make pacts to go overseas. Lucy refuses a second date with a guy because he spends too long in the bathroom, yet has a proper relatio with a nutcase
called Bwick who smears paint all over her face and tries to set his studio on fire. I havenít got time for such stupid games. Nor does my friend. Either the spark is there or itís not.
But the most annoying thing about Lucy and Joe is the way they treat members of the opposite sex. If a guy so much as smiles at Lucy, she immediately
thinks he wants her body (donít flatter yourself, honey). After each date, she canít wait to rush home and bitch about the poor guy - in detail - to Joe. She even rates them on a wall chart. Now, if I guy engaged in that kind of behaviour, the feminists would be up in arms. Just because Lucyís a woman doesnít give her the right to behave so
Joe? Well, he spies on his neighbour Jane (played by Aussie supermodel Elle Macpherson) and invents all these fantasies about how theyíll meet, fall in love, etc, etc. Unfortunately, every time Joe sees Jane, he either trips over something and injures himself or does something equally stupid (ie - applying fake tan to his lips).
It turns out that Jane fancied Joe all along and tells him so while wearing a rather fetching deerstalker. When she starts stripping off to reveal her Elle Macpherson by Bendon lingerie (nice plug), Joe runs a mile. I know how he feels. Overt product placement in movies has the same effect on me.
So there you have it. Joe turns down the opportunity to have sex with a supermodel (yeah, right...like that would really happen) and Lucy gives Bwick the flick. Thereís nothing left for them to do but jump off the Brooklyn Bridge really. Oh, but wait...just before theyíre about to commit
suicide, Lucy and Joe fall in lerve. Retch. Pass the bloody spew bucket already.
This is a truly awful movie with two truly awful people in it (not to mention some truly awful acting from Elle - next time she wants to appear in a movie, please, somebody...GET THE CANE!) When I finished watching ďIf Lucy FellĒ, I felt truly
awful. What is the point in watching cinematic clap-trap which makes you feel bad? If masochism's your kick, go to the Hellfire Club.
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