Ernest Goes to School
(1994) Reviewed by Diane Squires
Rating: 10 Beans
never thought I'd say this but...
Ernest goes to School is worse than the Haunting. It is in all likelihood, the most painfully unwatchable movie ever filmed. I was bleeding out my eyes even before the opening credits were finished.
Jim Varney is Ernest P Worrel, a character who should NEVER be allowed to spend more than two consecutive minutes onscreen anywhere ever. Ernest is a janitor. Ernest works at a high school. Ernest is so painfully unfunny that watching him is a form or torture. Ripping out your own fingernails would hurt a lot less than sitting through Ernest's struggles with his beloved job. Trust me.
Ernest gets fired. I'm not sure why. I wasn't paying any attention. I was busy soaking my head in a bucket of icewater- and it was way more enteraining than the movie let me tell you. So Ernest enrolls in high school in order to get his janitor job back. Ernest is not funny as a student. The other students are not funny as students. There is nothing amusing whatsoever. I decide to go make a snack.
For some reason or other Ernest goes to the crackpot science teachers and they make him super smart. Ernest is even more irritating intelligent than he was when he was stupid. Now he is obnoxious as well as incompetent. Then the intelligence wears off, they zap him again and then it wears off again... you get the idea.
At some point Ernest's stupid self saved the day. which goes to show us all that we should be ourselves because at least we're less stupid and annoying than people like Ernest, or some junk like that. I don't really know because I was playing Doom: Evilution in another room when the movie finally ended.
Ernest Goes to School will make you want to die. It will make you question the existence of a loving God. It will make you want to fill out tax returns and call up relatives you hate just to "chat". Even at best it will make you get up and leave the room. You won't go back.
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