Reviewed by Ken M. Wilson
Rating: 7.5 Beans
hile everyone else was out watching the unsinkable "Titanic," I was out with the boys catching Disney's (!) latest flick "Deep Rising" starring Treat Williams and Famke Jannsen. Boy oh boy, here is this year's "Anaconda."
Hired by a ruthless gang of hoods, Finnegan (Williams) finds himself and crew carting torpedos no-questions-asked style out to the middle of nowhere to rendevous with a palatial cruise ship populated with hundreds of rich socialites. When the pleasure boat's equipment is sabotaged and no one can radio for help the ship is attacked by the hokiest creatures unknown to humankind... the computer-generated squid-sucker! Oh no! Hurry... don't get pixilated!!!
Horrible. This film checked reality at the door and proceeded to rummage through bits and pieces of insanity in its two hour tour -- people run faster than rushing water (not to mention faster than exploding fireballs!); half-decomposed victims of the creature walk around and even talk for a while; only five people initially survive the "attack" out of hundreds; and Famke Jannsen dons a white t-shirt, gets soaked from head to toe, and NEVER nips out. Disney must have paid the big bucks to buy the world's most reinforced steel bra for her water scenes. As I said, it was horrible.
I knew that this flick was going to be worthy of a "BM Night" months ago when we first saw the trailer. What I wasn't prepared for was how dumb the moviemakers are for presenting us with these fake-ass "special" effects. Even the new "Star Wars" had the crapola computer-generated effects that are as fake as Tina Turner's hair. "Deep Rising" just broke the straw on the camel's back, that's all I'm saying. The creatures in this movie are completely laughable. For a second I thought that I was watching "The Abyss," and then "Alien," and then "Popeye" (remember that bad-ass octopus near the end? Scaaary stuff!). The one and only thing that almost saved this film was Chucklehead Kevin J. O'Connor trying to throw in his one-liners. I will admit, I laughed at "The Girl from Ipanema" even back when the trailer ran. I was alone in my aloud snickering. Damn. I hate that.
Overall, this film will probably be in and out of the theatres quicker than Scoot on a treadmill. GO SEE IT BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE! I'm sure the fx will not be anywhere near as laughable as they are on the big screen.
Originally I was going to give this film only 6.5 beans but once Jannsen's nipples didn't shine through I threw on an additional Bean. 7.5, baby!
Other reviews for this movie:
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