Cool as Ice
(1991)
Reviewed by Scott Marshall
Rating: 9 Beans

ere's one for your mutha." Ah, the Vanilla Ice
movie. Need I say more?

Picture THE WILD ONE mixed with bad hip-hop
videos and just a touch of I AM THE CHEESE.
Actually, maybe more than just a touch.

A small town is shaken up by the arrival of
Johnny and his funky bunch. They catch the eye
of local overachiever Kathy, who dumps her dick
boyfriend for a walk on the cool side.

What Kathy doesn't know is that her dad
(Michael Gross) is in the witness protection
program after the cancellation of FAMILY TIES.
A couple of his old cronies arrive in town at the
same time as Johnny and threaten Dad with
hurting his kids if he doesn't give them half a
million dollars. Naturally, Dad assumes that
Johnny is involved and forbids Kat to see him
anymore.

But of course she can't help herself. She and
Johnny have a romantic day of getting to know
each other, running around a construction site
and riding his motorcycle. Ice looks painfully
sincere as he says lines like "If you're living for
somebody else, then you ain't livin'."

Through a set of contrivances I won't bore you
with, Kat's annoying little brother gets kidnapped
by the bad guys and Johnny is blamed. He
postpones his plans to "G-O" and rescues the
boy, proving himself to Kat's parents. Hooray.

The film ends with Johnny rocking the house in
a full concert stage set up somewhere in town,
professing his love for Kat and suits which are
too large even for David Byrne.

This film was directed by a fellow named David
Kellogg who didn't work again until INSPECTOR
GADGET. Watch for Naomi Campbell as a
singer early on, Deezer D as one of Ice's crew,
and the lovely Brooke Alexander as a reporter.

Of the rest of the cast, only Kat (Kristin Minter)
has continued to work steadily; she is the
snarky desk clerk Randi on ER and appears in
3 movies this year. Sadly, DA HIP-HOP WITCH
is not one of them: apparently it is a hip-hop
take on THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT which
features a cameo by the Iceman.

COOL AS ICE is the only film in which Vanilla Ice
makes an appearance but does not play
himself- in name, anyway. Perhaps it was more
exciting in 1991 but after all this time it is neither
funky nor fresh.

And I'm out, yo.

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